I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.