No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*