The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
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Last-minute gift idea!
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.