Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
You Might Also Like
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Sunday
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“what that mouth do?” complain
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.