We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
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“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Stop sending me this shit.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie