WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
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“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.