I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.