Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Xylophonist Shredding It
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.