me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
pep talk
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level