My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple