Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs