Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
You Might Also Like
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
How funny!
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.