Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?