I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
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me and who
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.