Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed