Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
he’s doing your taxes
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
what?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.