Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
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The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”