To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
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Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.