Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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This story is comedy gold 😂
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
The best shot in the history of golf