Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.