I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
oh you wanna fight?!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken