[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.