You Might Also Like
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?