Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
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Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.