to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
this is how life feels
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*