“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
He wanted to make sure😂
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.