FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
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HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I just ran a .003048K
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.