There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA