[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
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Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Hot Hot Hot
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.