[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
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“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Overindulged this afternoon.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Gods work.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
CRYING
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*