Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
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Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me recordaron éste meme
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?