Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
You have been warned.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Just a friendly reminder!