Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
The most important meal of the day is the next one
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
12. I think about this all the damn time
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal