interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.