Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
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I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Oh my God.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
President The Rock Obama
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”