[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.