Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
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Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor