me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Europe. Made in Germany.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
How does one answer this?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
This is my favorite one of these!
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.