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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder