*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close