the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
She puts the hot in psychotic
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece