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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!