In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
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Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me My dog
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.