I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
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I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
That was easy.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?