We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
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Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Monday Lisa
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.