Fiction has to make sense.
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Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
New mindset, who dis?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Meow
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.