Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it