Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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oppen heimer style lol
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Well, my evening plans are ruined