My dress code is business-casualty.
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“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.