When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Sign at work today
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids